“It’s just a boat,” I mutter to myself. “I can always sell it.”
I’m drowning in self doubt.
It’s the eve of day before I haul all my shit six hours north to where she sits on dry dock. Perched on the land like a forgotten treehouse that needs renovating.
The car is packed with all of my gear–an anchor, life jackets, blankets, galley supplies, an assortment of lines, batteries, bungie chords and buckets. I keep clicking away from the page to order my harness. As if typing in my card number and hitting the submit button somehow solidifies that fact that I’m doing this all by myself.
A friend unexpectedly expressed interest in joining me onboard this summer, and I’ve tried to push it out of my head. Tried not to have any expectations. Tried not to pressure her. Tried not to need anyone else.
Tried to remember I bought this boat with every intention of doing it alone, and even though I’m in over my head, I can learn how to swim.
My knee jerk reaction is to text a bunch of my friends. Tell them how scared and lonely I feel at this very moment, and anticipate the validation I’m bound to receive. But I don’t, I just think of all the people who have helped me get this far, who believe in me. A community of support has been built around me. The foundation laid, now all I have to do is go live my dream. Take this insane idea and turn it into the unforgiving reality that is a life at sea. Believe in myself.
I place my order. Here goes
It’s true, what T.S. Eliot said about April. It’s like living in a lingering state of limbo. I’m just passing the days until the boatyard thaws and I can get on with it–living aboard my own boat for the first time.However, somewhere in between the sulking, I realized something. It’s only three weeks until I’m supposed to move aboard!!!! That really got my heart racing and I cancelled my plans to traipse around Brooklyn with my best friend immediately. There’s still so much to be done and I’m the ultimate procrastinator, especially when I have nothing but time to get shit done. Good thing is, time is running out, and I’m on it.
I’ve gotten my ground tackle sussed out and practiced my splice enough to cut off the used up strands and start anew. Good thing about that is, I can always make a new splice so it’s not exactly permanent. It needs to be right though, because the hook will be dropped almost immediately upon splash. I’m a few clicks away from ordering the bow roller, and made plans to go to my friend’s wood workshop to turn this old piece of teak I was given into a spacer for the roller. Just have to settle on what to use as a backing plate (suggestions, sailors)?, and one of the most important jobs will be ready for installation.
I still need bottom paint, interior hull paint, varnish, sand paper, tools, epoxy/sealers, to figure out the head system (going to be anchored in a no discharge zone for the time being and unfortunately a composting head is on the long, long list), and, uh, what else? I know I’m forgetting multiple things. A stove, blankets, pillows, cast iron pan, tea pot, a heater.
It goes on, and on, and on, and on, and…